These are things we know. We also know that besides his impact on pop culture and hiphop, MC Hammer will never escape three things. The Hammer Dance, Hammer Pants, and bankruptcy. 13 Million dollars to be exact. So my question is….

How many cans did he have to recycle to afford to pay for not one, but THREE diss videos to Jay-Z?

Read more after the jump.

The cans maybe fiction, but the fact that he probably had to rob Peter to Pay Paul to afford which is probably to date one of the lamest “diss” videos ever produced is just evidence of how far Mr. Burrell has fallen. Please, Hammer don’t hurt me. I’m just saying.
The video starts off with Hammer entering a room full of “executives”, one whom has taken to wearing his sunglasses on the back of his head ( good job on looking official, Daughtry) , while Hammer, who looks to have borrowed a suit from Goodwill talks on what is probably a Boost Mobile phone and also dons a pair of sunglasses. The “director” of the video makes sure to pan in on the “BeatsAudio” which unless Dr. Dre produced this video, which I DOUBT highly by theway, has nothing to do with nothing.

So as abruptly as he enters the “meeting” , that got absolutely NOTHING accomplished, he leaves to go “take care of something”. And by the “something”, we mean Jay-Z.

And for the love of Jesus (no pun intended) Hammer proceeds to find the most manboobingst- white tee-yankee fitting wearing Jay-Z lookalike (by lookalike, we mean no resemblance whatsoever) he could find to…CHASE through the woods. If you did not laugh when “It’s the Fire” was whispered as the “devil” juked and jived after Mr. Carter through the forest of failure, you have no soul.

Again, how many rolls of coins did he have to take to Coinstar to pay the dancers? Then…my God, comedy gold. 2:40: The All White Everything. He didn’t borrow that. That came from his own personal collection. Hammer has style.

Wait. Did he BAPTIZE HIM? Because, we all know you’re completely qualified to baptize someone; with you being a preacher and all (as the crowd commences the coldest of all side-eyes).

So Hammer has the power to stop the devil, now? Sure. Bet he wish he had the power to stop the government from seizing his property.

“If I knock on your door, boy, I bust you in the mouth”. Hammer, sir. SIR.

Apparently, Hammer didn’t intend for this to be a skit worthy of a spot on Saturday Night Live, which in turns means he failed. But beside the fact that he wasted a good five minutes of my life that I have no hopes of ever getting back, there has been no improvement to his lyrical skill, the video looks as UNmotivating and UNamazing as his last acting gig with Cash4Gold, and instead of insulting Jay-Z, he’s managed to make himself look…well I have no words.

If the only way you can return fire from a lackadaisical diss, is to bombard us with video after video of hopelessness, well then we don’t want it. Did you pay attention to the last man that dissed Jay-Z? Beans, and he can actually rap. And for Beans efforts, I actually LAUGHED.
You have no business in a studio, nor pulpit, and hip hop should serve you a restraining order. If you could just kindly remove yourself from the premises, we shall have no problems.

KING HAMMER!!! *drops the mic*